Fortune Favors the Bold

Why are fortune cookies so boring? If you’re giving me a stale cookie in a noisy cellophane wrapper, at least make it entertaining, snarky, or both.



  • This cookie looks a like a mini vagina — bon appétit!
  • You have a great face… for make-up
  • Eat sensibly, exercise regularly, die anyway
  • They say opposites attract – may you meet someone alluring, smart & funny
  • Pro tip: chopsticks make for great DIY abortions (because who has knitting needles these days?)
  • Be it length, girth or bank account: size matters
  • If only the good die young, you’ll live forever
  • The road to happiness is paved with lowered expectations
  • All good things come to those born filthy rich
  • A friend is just an enemy you haven’t fully pissed off yet
  • In a pinch, stale leftover eggrolls make great dildos #foodporn
  • Cookies make you fat
  • All your hard work will most likely amount to nothing
  • You’ll be hungry again in an hour
  • Settling now saves time down the road
  • Whenever you feel stupid just remember – you probably are

About B.

97% modest, 3% awesome
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